Queue's Cues

As we stood in the queue waiting for the gentleman ahead of us to finish his transaction, the older man standing tentatively next to us (neither in the queue, nor out of it) quietly moved right ahead of us! I looked at my son, he looked at me- we exchanged glances but none of us said anything to the intruder. I asked, 'why didn’t you say you are in the queue?’ He asked 'Why didn’t you say?'

'Because i want you to learn to speak up'.

We both kept quiet. We both knew we are bad at confrontations and standing up for ourselves- precisely the reason i want my children to learn those two essentials of surviving.

Nevertheless, we both let the older man do his shopping. We let him get away with being rude (he had not even asked whether he could come ahead of us, since it was our turn.) and bullying us (he DID finish his transaction even though we had been waiting for our turn for the last 15 minutes).

It made me realise how easy it is to observe the basic nature of anyone in a queue- not a pleasant situation to be in, and hence, the perfect situation to see one's true nature. Also, very similar to how one behaves on the road. I bet, the older man who jumped ahead of us without any apology or request, does the same on the road too- changing lanes without any consideration to others, sometimes only to satisfy his urge of being ahead of everyone. And he is not the only one. There are people in every traffic jam, who get away with driving on the hard shoulder and then try to get in the queue right at the front- making everyone else following the rules and waiting patiently for the traffic to clear look and feel stupid.

 I wonder if queue-behaviour can be put to more productive use. Can companies, e.g., observe their prospective employees in a queue, discreetly enough? Can prospective life partners, especially in the Indian scenario where more marriages are still 'arranged ' than otherwise, be observed and judged by how they behave in the queue? Or is not important enough in the larger scheme of life? To me it seems like it is.

Imagine getting married to a person (A) who is so timid/ good/ soft natured that he/she will let anyone and everyone come ahead of him/her in the queue. What does it tell you about that person? To me, it says, 'He/she is too good for himself/herself. Having him/her as a spouse would mean i will have to take care of all practical matters, and teach the kids not to let others take advantage of them, and yet, we will be fighting all the time- he with his idealistic glasses on, and i with my practical ones!’

 Now imagine having this person (B) as a spouse: He/she looks at the long queue ahead of him/her, decides it is not his/her cup of tea to wait. He/she brings his/her trolley from a 'hard shoulder' and tries to get in. If A is in the queue, he/she will let B in, and if it is another one like B himself/herself, they will have an argument, some bad temper and may be a scene.  B kind of a person will teach the kids about jungle raj in life, disrespect to others, cutting the queues in life too to get ahead. I wonder if I would be able to trust him/ her; and yet, if we were married, rest assured, he/she will not shy away from doing even wrong things to for the good of his/her family!! My feeling is I wouldn’t like B very much though- he/she seems to be a bully, the kind who loves to intimidate people and then glow in that warmth of their fear!

So, i guess, it all depends on what you are looking for. You could leave it at that- a rude person in the queue, or you could take it to the next level to judge a person’s nature- be it for a job, marriage or simple friendship, or you could even use that as an opportunity to teach your kids a thing or two about being respectful and yet firm about doing the right thing.  

As I write, I am realising what an effective tool a visit to the supermarket is- first the ‘speaking shopping trolley’ (http://muteobservations.blogspot.com/2011/04/speaking-shopping-trolley.html) and now the queue-behaviour! Just make sure you are at a crowded hypermarket at the weekend if you really want someone revealed!

Following my heart

When was the last time you followed, literally followed, your heart?

I am not sure why 'following the heart' is almost always associated with making a big choice- like choosing a career of your liking, or going against all odds to marry someone you love, or leaving your job to do something you always loved, or taking up an expensive degree course because you always wanted that name tag of that prestigious university in your CV, or leaving your world behind to take a cruise round the bigger world, or even dropping an existing, glowing career in search of something more satisfying like building schools in a forlorn village?

 I could follow my heart every day, if i so wanted, couldn't I? I could eat that Baskin Robbins that i have been avoiding given my weight issues, i could read at bedtime until i finished that new book, i could sleep late and get up late, i could get in touch with someone i have always wanted to but have hesitated for whatever reasons, i could literally follow my heart every day!!! Would that decrease the value of that dreamy line 'Follow your heart' in anyway?

I have done really silly things in following my heart...and the good thing is, all of them have made me feel good :)))

I once saw an old lady waiting at the building Reception- i loved the white footwear she was wearing, and i could not stop myself from telling her so. And i realised, it made me happy too.

I have got in touch with people i wanted to get back in touch with, i was worried about or even curious about, and i am so glad i did.

I have made special trips to Bikanerwala for its hot jalebis!

I have called up doctors on impulse to thank them for a good treatment, and though i did wish to tell them when it went wrong, i did not :(

I had been searching for a particular perfume for 20 years. I had no clue about it but its fragrance completely bowled me over every time anyone wearing it passed by me. I had been tempted to stop complete strangers, in malls, in hotels, even in the kids' school; and finally one day, i did. I had taken to kids to a theme play area and that meant, there were more kids and fewer parents around. As that lady passed by me, i recognised that fragrance. I went up to her and told her i loved the perfume she was wearing and could she please tell me which one was it. That French lady, very sweetly, wrote down the name for me, speaking in half French, half English- and i cannot even begin to tell you how happy it made me to finally get hold of the perfume that had eluded me for decades.

I have realised more and more that to be able to follow my heart is a blessing, a privilege, a gift. But I also understand that even when we all might want to follow our hearts and do absolutely stupid things in the process, sometimes, we just cannot. I now know (finally!!!!!) why the head was placed above the heart. I think it all again boils down to one basic rule- do not exceed your limit! The world would most likely be a more chaotic place if everyone started following their heart and i guess, that is why we limit our 'follow the heart' encouraging line to only major decisions...hmmm...that Baskin Robbins might as well wait!

India diaries- My way, or No way!

He was getting late now- he would be just in time to catch his last train home after dropping us home first. As much as we had rushed our shopping, he rushed to get out of the parking lot. And we would have been on time if our way, right at the end of exit, had not been blocked by another car.

"How can anyone park like this- literally at the exit of Exit?" was the question on our lips.

We tried the right way- asking the mall Security to help us- they could announce the car no. on their PA system and ask the person to park the car out of the Exit route.

"What can we do? It is an 'Open' parking- anyone can park anywhere!" was their reply instead.

"Wow! mera bharat mahaan!" we thought.

But not him.

He got out of the car, losing patience with the situation (someone had already done a double parking behind our car and disappeared- and he had to spend extra 15 minutes manoeuvring the car to get out of that jam position; and now this?). We kept sitting in the car, mute spectators, not knowing what was going on in his mind, except that he was getting angry by the minute.

He bent down. We thought- to look if the car was in 'neutral' and could be pushed to another position in the car park. He squatted near the rear tyre and kept looking at it- for a long while. He did not get up even when another car came up behind ours and started honking for us to get out of the way. He showed his hand in a gesture of 'Wait' to that car- it seemed that car was his car and its tyre had a problem and he was trying to fix it.

After  about five minutes, he told the surrounding rickshaw-walas to move a bit so we could get out- that car was still in our way, and seeing no other way out, he had removed the big stones blocking the side way and took the car out through the sand that had been put for some reason in that Exit way.

As we all heaved a sigh of relief, we asked him what he was looking at.

"I was not looking at anything didi", he said, "main to uski gadi ki hawa nikal raha tha!" (I was deflating that car's tyres!)

"What?" was the exclaimed expression of my elder one.

“But why were you sitting near that car for so long?” I asked.

"I was making sure that the tyre gets FULLY deflated- this person should pay for the inconvenience he has caused to others- by getting inconvenienced himself!”, the driver from the Haryana village said as a matter of fact.

"Oh, is this how revenge is taken in India?" asked my elder one, really innocently.

He laughed and said, “Why not? We tried the right way but it was of no use- you have to fight your own battle here!" he gave his parting advice to my kids.

He missed his last train home that night and had to take lift from a ‘tempo’ going towards his village but he taught us an unforgettable lesson about jungle-raj, living in real India and surviving in spite of not enough resources at your disposal.

I hope that inconsiderate driver also learnt an equally valuable lesson.

Letting them go...

Silence! Pin drop silence! Better than that in a school or college library. After two months of voices around me, it seemed strange. As i said bye this morning to the kids and Hello to the new school session, the warmth of the kids' presence gave way to grave silence. Suddenly, there was time at hand, and there was this eerie quietness that has the ability to depress you or calm you, engage you or totally disengage you, make you look forward to the day or ending of the day; depending on your disposition, preference and circumstances.  But, it can only be filled temporarily, if your kids are the centre of your universe.

I wondered what it would be to be in an empty nest when the time comes. We have taken our own parents journey to that point as a matter of fact, never realising how slowly, but surely, quietness first hurts them and when they begin to relish it- the easier routine and all, we pop in the scene once again- disrupting their adjustments to life's changes again and again...

I wonder if i will be able to let my children fly across the oceans to study in some university in the hope of a brighter and securer future for them. I wonder if i will be able to let go of them at an age and in a world as rife with drugs and all other vices as it was never before. I hope i can- for them, as well as for myself. It will be selfish to not let them go....

When i recently experienced being away from them for four full days (what can you say when kids want to say bye?), i realised how empty the world suddenly becomes unless you have things to occupy your thoughts. These things could be your work, your time pass activities, serious hobbies, friends, relatives, etc. etc. But yes, in the eyes of the world, you are suddenly a free bird, a situation akin to my mom's retirement from her job (-suddenly, everyone who needed a helping hand could only think of her!), or that of a young unmarried girl having finished her education, not gainfully employed, and only at home because she is waiting to get married.

I realised (as I have done at many other occasions before), employment at any age is so very important. That could be economically meaningful employment or even a non-economic employment as being a mother to growing up kids, or even grand kids. It keeps you distracted from disruptions of life, it keeps your mind occupied, and it helps you to keep up the image of being 'useful' to the country, society, and world in general...if you know what i mean.

Suddenly i realise that as much as i miss the kids, as much as i love having them around me, i need to grow up to understand that one day, they will have a totally independent life; one day i will be just a part of their life; one day they will not need me- and for that one day, life slowly and surely prepares you, in its own way...i think so....