Promises to Keep...

I am one of those people who believe that everything happens for a reason. and i have to admit, sometimes i wish it didn't! But when your belief system accompanies you to the radiologist's office (and all the way into the cold, sterile room with scary looking machines and white gowns!!), it can make you feel very very scared.

As it is, October gives me jitters- so when i prepared to go to the radiologist's for my mammogram; i was not sure why i had to hear a conversation of two women in the car park about someone having cancer, or the week before why did i pick (of all the books) The Emperor of Maladies (and then put it back because i did not want to feel scared or depressed any more than i already was), why did i meet this woman in the waiting area at the hospital who has had multiple surgeries on different parts of her body and has now given up on hospitals and doctors- and was there for a Compression Mammogram and possibly, a core biopsy.........needless to say, as much as i tried to stay upbeat, the belief that everything happens for a reason, filled me with a lot of fear. I asked if i was being prepared for something? I wondered if i was just being cautioned that really bad things do happen to people and it is important to take care of yourself? Or what?

In the moments leading to the machine,  I promised myself that if everything comes out alright with me, I am going to live a fuller life. I promised:

1. I am going to start using cosmetics.

(ridiculous as it may sound- i am pretty anti-chemicals, especially unnecessary chemicals- so I have always tried to stay away from them as much as possible, even at the cost of looking the way i do!)

2. I will buy a bright red Clinique lipstick and use it too.

(Silly it might seem, but the only time i forgave myself for using such a bright red colour was at my wedding! But what the heck...here is my chance again!!)

3. I will spring clean my cupboard- promise, finally.

(I had been meaning to do it for over two months- but it always took a backseat...)

4. I will wear the stilettos i had bought on an impulse.

(I am no fashion model, so at my age, as much as i am still in love with all colours of shoes, i stick to the comfy ones- but this black pair- i just could not resist- it is time to air it now...)

5. I will watch more movies, but preferably if they are off beat or comedies.

6.I will join that Drama group that i have been secretly wishing to join for over a decade...just to know what is it all about, whether i fit in anywhere (i doubt- but still!)...it is all about living one's life, no?

7. And most importantly, i will start devoting a fixed time DAILY to my pet project- a project that has theoretically been in my hands ever since i can remember but that still has to see take a tangible form...

8. Oh yes, and that eating healthy and going for Yoga lessons promise--- how did i forget that?

As i made these promises to myself, i realised, how much can fear make me do. The fear of being trapped in the endless medical treatments- the doctors asking you to keep coming back for follow ups and repeat MRIs even when you know that the whole medical industry is just that now- a money-based industry, the fear of losing the quality of life, the fear of upsetting the life of my loved ones...fear is more powerful than anything else. It made me realise the worth of all the blessings in my life- everything that i had taken for granted, everything that i had had the choice and the option to postpone until the next day, next week, next month, next year...

I am praying and hoping to face my fears, and fulfil the promises i made to myself (a lot more came to my mind as i travelled back home)...if only the mammogram results come out absolutely clean....(keeping my fingers crossed!)

Stumped!!!

This was not meant to be. Our visa had been rejected once, tickets canceled,  reapplied through another embassy, awaited, and finally, those tickets also canceled. We had started making alternative travel plans, assuming there must be something good in all this quashing of plans, waiting for that unknown greater good to appear before us and satisfy our curiosity....
And then it happened! Two days after our tickets had been cancelled (for the second time) and shopping plans shelved, we got the call from the embassy to come and collect our passports. As we did so, we contemplated  rushing to the airport directly to catch the flight due to depart in two hours; carrying nothing but money and passports- the two most important travel essentials. The project was to start the next morning, we had already requested for a refund on our apartment booking, there was no flight available at such a short notice for all of us.....
Finally, we decided not to panic....at worst, we could split our flights and meet in paris.

Well, I think that was when God finally softened :). Our good friend MB was able to secure us tickets for the night flight that night on the airline he works with.  The landlady emailed us to share the loss since she had been unable to find another tenant. We had no time to shop now but we did have time to pack essentials. Everything seemed to be finally falling into place...
So, that is when I started marveling at the mysterious ways of God...for days, and weeks and months, everything was going wrong in spite of ample planning and good intentions. It seemed He was signaling us...."cancel this trip....cancel this trip"; and just when everyone accepted defeat, accepted that  there must be some other plan for us, HE changed His mind.
 Was He just playing hide and seek with us? Or was He testing our determination? Or was HE proving that man proposes, God disposes?
All I know is, it helped to accept it all as fate and wait for His bigger and better plan to be revealed; to let go; and finally, to allow myself to be surprised by His naughty and yet benevolent ways...

Seize it - NOW!

Shoot! Why didn’t I go atop the Eiffel tower??

****! Why didn’t I go for those rides @ the Ferrari World before?

****! Why didn’t I go for Zumba and salsa and all those fast-paced aerobics classes before??? Not even the free trial class???

Everything – a regret, and a wish- wish I had done it before...before I was told I couldn’t do it anymore, not in the foreseeable future- thanks to years of prioritising everything else before taking care of my own body! Not even the desert safari? I couldn’t help scolding myself, feeling bad at that moment- when I realised, there are still a thousand other things that I can do today, that I might not be able to do tomorrow. Finally, I understood Kabir's words- kaal kare so aaj kar, aaj kare so ab... pal mein parlay hoyegi, bahuri karega kab...literally translated as:

What you have to do tomorrow, do it today; what you have to do today, do it now- for any moment might be the final moment, when will you do it then?

I have used and heard and read those words umpteen number of times; and yet, it took me so long to understand. I should have remembered those profound words every single day of my life...I wouldn’t have missed living life so much then! I am glad though that there is still time- time before arthritis makes my knees weak, before high BP and cholesterol strike my head and heart, before my eyes grow weak with glaucoma, before the wrinkles make the red lipstick look horrific on my lips, before I am rendered incapable of wearing the silk sitting in my special storage boxes, and before I have to just pass on the jewellery so lovingly gifted by my husband and parents to my daughters-in-law. There is time before I am told I am too old, too fat, too wrinkly, too this, too that, too whatever...to do what I can do today, now; I still have time to live.