The Case of Missing "Better-half"

A long time back, i had watched Matrubhoomi. An extremely depressing movie that makes you feel sad and bad. Unfortunately, that is the exact scenario that rises if i have to believe what i read recently.

 A recent report in FT (Heirs and Spares by Amy Kazim and Patti Waldmeir) paints a dismal picture of the gender trends and ratios in India and China. Amid the growing financial prosperity, it tells us, is a growing reason for concern. The 2010 census, it says, showed 34m more men than women in China. In Haryana, in India, it reports, there are 120.5 boys per hundred girls, followed by Punjab where there are 118.2 boys per hundred girls. A potential social time bomb. A volcano of social and economic problems....child brides being bought and sold, rapes, gang rapes, much older husbands, much younger wives, girls being bought from East for the sole purpose of procreation, and that too of a boy! (Will they ever learn???)

Reason: one, and only one- the 'traditional' preference for a boy child instead of a girl.
Thought: the boy carries forward the family name, takes care of ageing parents, shoulders the responsibility of running the household.

On a brighter side, girls are finally being considered precious by the society in general. They have a choice now, unfortunately, only until they are married. In China e.g., the boys' families have started feeling the pressure of the competition to find brides for their sons. (A boy has to save enough to buy an apartment before getting married!)

From the moment i first saw the name of a new sister-in-law being changed after her wedding, i hated it, literally and forcefully.

"I am never going to let that happen to me" i resolved, barely 8 or 9 then.

Unfortunately, things haven’t changed much- especially not in that household. And as i have grown up, i have mellowed enough to realise that i can only fight for myself.

This may not be a significant issue for others, not even for spouses of those women in question, not especially in bigger social issues like economic affluence...but somewhere, there is a connection with the feeling that a boy carries the family name forward while a girl does not. Of course she does not, because in our society, we change not only the girl's surname but also her full name sometimes! She, after a few years of marriage, also forgets that she was someone else before her marriage. We uphold our advice to our daughters- “Marriage is like a new birth..." sure, it is. New parents, new relatives, new house, a new name and a new identity; and yet, it is not uncommon to hear men complaining to their wives, “You have changed after marriage. You were not like this when we came to 'see' you", referring to the courtship period in a love marriage, or an assessment period in an arranged marriage.

I have been on the luckier side of the spectrum where we were given equal opportunities as our brothers. However, the more i talk, especially to the men, the more i feel that irrespective of everything, we have a long way to go before we can even fully comprehend the complexity of gender equality, gender imbalances and its impact on our collective future.
How many men in Asia can honestly say they do not feel anything (demeaning) when they are asked to (assuming they sometimes are) contribute to housework like cooking, cleaning, dishwashing or laundry? How many men here can honestly say they do not mind their wives giving financial support to their parents, just as they do to their own? How many men would change their surname to their wife's? How many will change their names, and hence their whole identities, whether they have had them for 12, 15, 18 or 28 years??

These are a function of our social thinking, and the government policies cannot change them. It will take another generation of change; to accept, add, and give respect to the family names of both, father and mother; by adding them as the child's surname.[Even though i realise, this solution is as complex as the problem itself...how many surnames will a baby carry? Baby A B C (B and C being surnames of parents), when Baby ABC grows up and becoems a parent, the new Baby D will be named as Baby D F G B C (F and G being his mom's surnames)?? ]
Another generation of change to realise that a daughter retains her right to take care of her parents for the same reasons that the boy does- they have taken care of her all through; or for the more simple minded- they are her parents!
May be then, finally,  people will feel that their daughters can also carry on their family names and take care of her parents or shoulder the responsibilities of running a household...and hence, there is no need for gender based abortions.

I am quite a few years from being a mom-in-law but i am not sure that time is enough to set the gender issues in order in India. I am worried, already!