The Case of Missing "Better-half"

A long time back, i had watched Matrubhoomi. An extremely depressing movie that makes you feel sad and bad. Unfortunately, that is the exact scenario that rises if i have to believe what i read recently.

 A recent report in FT (Heirs and Spares by Amy Kazim and Patti Waldmeir) paints a dismal picture of the gender trends and ratios in India and China. Amid the growing financial prosperity, it tells us, is a growing reason for concern. The 2010 census, it says, showed 34m more men than women in China. In Haryana, in India, it reports, there are 120.5 boys per hundred girls, followed by Punjab where there are 118.2 boys per hundred girls. A potential social time bomb. A volcano of social and economic problems....child brides being bought and sold, rapes, gang rapes, much older husbands, much younger wives, girls being bought from East for the sole purpose of procreation, and that too of a boy! (Will they ever learn???)

Reason: one, and only one- the 'traditional' preference for a boy child instead of a girl.
Thought: the boy carries forward the family name, takes care of ageing parents, shoulders the responsibility of running the household.

On a brighter side, girls are finally being considered precious by the society in general. They have a choice now, unfortunately, only until they are married. In China e.g., the boys' families have started feeling the pressure of the competition to find brides for their sons. (A boy has to save enough to buy an apartment before getting married!)

From the moment i first saw the name of a new sister-in-law being changed after her wedding, i hated it, literally and forcefully.

"I am never going to let that happen to me" i resolved, barely 8 or 9 then.

Unfortunately, things haven’t changed much- especially not in that household. And as i have grown up, i have mellowed enough to realise that i can only fight for myself.

This may not be a significant issue for others, not even for spouses of those women in question, not especially in bigger social issues like economic affluence...but somewhere, there is a connection with the feeling that a boy carries the family name forward while a girl does not. Of course she does not, because in our society, we change not only the girl's surname but also her full name sometimes! She, after a few years of marriage, also forgets that she was someone else before her marriage. We uphold our advice to our daughters- “Marriage is like a new birth..." sure, it is. New parents, new relatives, new house, a new name and a new identity; and yet, it is not uncommon to hear men complaining to their wives, “You have changed after marriage. You were not like this when we came to 'see' you", referring to the courtship period in a love marriage, or an assessment period in an arranged marriage.

I have been on the luckier side of the spectrum where we were given equal opportunities as our brothers. However, the more i talk, especially to the men, the more i feel that irrespective of everything, we have a long way to go before we can even fully comprehend the complexity of gender equality, gender imbalances and its impact on our collective future.
How many men in Asia can honestly say they do not feel anything (demeaning) when they are asked to (assuming they sometimes are) contribute to housework like cooking, cleaning, dishwashing or laundry? How many men here can honestly say they do not mind their wives giving financial support to their parents, just as they do to their own? How many men would change their surname to their wife's? How many will change their names, and hence their whole identities, whether they have had them for 12, 15, 18 or 28 years??

These are a function of our social thinking, and the government policies cannot change them. It will take another generation of change; to accept, add, and give respect to the family names of both, father and mother; by adding them as the child's surname.[Even though i realise, this solution is as complex as the problem itself...how many surnames will a baby carry? Baby A B C (B and C being surnames of parents), when Baby ABC grows up and becoems a parent, the new Baby D will be named as Baby D F G B C (F and G being his mom's surnames)?? ]
Another generation of change to realise that a daughter retains her right to take care of her parents for the same reasons that the boy does- they have taken care of her all through; or for the more simple minded- they are her parents!
May be then, finally,  people will feel that their daughters can also carry on their family names and take care of her parents or shoulder the responsibilities of running a household...and hence, there is no need for gender based abortions.

I am quite a few years from being a mom-in-law but i am not sure that time is enough to set the gender issues in order in India. I am worried, already!

Highway on my Plate: An end, or a new beginning?

As i reached the roundabout, i was surprised at the new expanse in front of me. The eight lane highway on the stretch between Springs 14 and Choithrams, aka Springs Drive ages back, and Parallel Roads project now, had opened for traffic. Finally, an end to the constant drilling, milling cranes and road rollers, and chaotic twists and turns that welcomed the residents every morning for almost 2 and a half years. Though this is not an end to the ire of investors of these properties, especially the road facing ones, it is better than being in a construction zone for that long now.

My first U-turn on this traffic light and i realise something else. I can see into the garden of the people on this side of the road, and from their first floor bedrooms, they can enjoy the highway traffic, day in and day out- thanks to the raised level of this highway! What was more noticeable was the change it has brought into the design of these properties. The walls have always been low, to provide the effect of a safe community, but now, for these properties, they are dangerously low. Anyone can just hop into their backyards, especially since they open onto the highway now! Any passing-by stranger can look into their backyard and see what toys their children are playing with, how many guests they are entertaining, whether the garden is mature or nascent, whether the gardener is doing a good job or just leaving the sprinklers on, and so on and so forth....So much for privacy and safety in these 'gated ' communities! I have not even thought about the yearly rain yet…I can only hope these backyards do not get waterlogged with the water spilling from the highway! And this is just the beginning. The whole Parallel Roads project is not completed yet, and hence, not yet open to full traffic. Once it does, i wonder if it will really be a privilege to have a cousin of Sheikh Zayed Road right here, and i wonder if it will help the property values in the area. After all, how many residential communities in Dubai can boast of an 8-LANE highway with a 60km speed limit and no speed bumps (only traffic lights, which some jerks do not mind jumping, especially when there are no speed cameras, and their own children are not likely to be crossing these roads!) and no pedestrian walkways (to reach the other side of the community)?

Welcome to Springs and Meadows! You have to think of other excuses for reaching late at a party here now.....

Being Anonymous

Someone asked me recently why i have a * and not a name at the bottom of my blog. "Well", i started, ":))", that was a smile meant to avoid any further discussion...

Later, i asked myself, really, why did i not use my name instead? What was stopping me? I traced my decision to a life long list of experiences in 'favour' of my decision.

‘Crank' calls were a part of growing up when we were teenagers. A common phenomenon, where the caller decided to create a sense of a mystery by keeping quiet, and sometimes breathing heavily! The end result was two-pronged. One, it served as a safe way for a teenage girl to boost her self confidence in the knowledge that she had a secret admirer while saving her from any further complications. And two, it saved him from any beatings at the hands of the girl’s family. (And I am pretty sure it was applicable vice versa too.)

Since the caller was anonymous, it was unknown, disguised, safe…

That anonymity that lent a sense of mystery to those phone calls also ensured safety.  

From writing anonymous letters to newspaper Editors to lodging a complaint with the Community Security, I have chosen to stay anonymous. Why???

I figured, it is because i am scared.  

I might be bothered by the very late night parties of my backyard neighbours, but i do not want any of them  to unleash their pets on me when i am walking down that street! 

I might have some valid suggestions for our service providers but I do not want them to look at me as the 'noisy' one. Noisy ones often get punished, you see. 

Besides, since every complaint means that someone is  not doing their job properly, complainants  are looked down upon in the same way as the troublemakers themselves. I do not think i would like to be looked down upon! So, i choose to hide; believing and hoping that anonymity will always help!

As a student,  when (and that happened many many many times!) I did not understand something that the teacher was talking about, I secretly hoped that someone  will raise a hand and clarify that doubt. I never did that myself. When someone else did that, it helped in in ways more than one- a. it answered my questions too,  b. it made me feel better that i was not the only one with a doubt, and c. if anyone ever thought in the whole classroom that it was silly to have not known that concept or meaning or translation, they would be thinking so about 'that' person and not me. I preferred to stay the anonymous ignorant student on the first row, thanking God for the girl next to me, the bright one, who also taught me that there was no harm in being ignorant, provided you do something about it.

 Now, though, I am scared of being typecast, of opinions, judgements, presumptions, and restrictions and other actions as a result of the same, other people's anger if my thoughts do not go down well with them and the like. Judged and typecast, thanks  to our curious nature,  by anyone who will venture to read this blog that because I belong to a certain gender, nationality, race, region or carry a certain surname, I must be in line with their own  knowledge gathered from school textbooks, personal experiences, or fiction. I must conform to their pre-conceived notions, or at least strengthen those notions in some way.

“Oh! It’s a woman!”  

"Hmmm, she is an Asian…”

"Aha! I knew that- "

"OMG! How can she talk like that about her own country/ race/ religion/ gender...."

"I know her from work- i didn’t think she was thinking anything beyond those presentations!" (See a smirk there!)

"Hey, i was there at the party that she is mentioning. I didn’t know she took an offence to that incident!"

These thoughts  are what i have wanted to avoid, or rise above. Somewhere, i did not want to be recognised, pointed a finger at, or passed a judgement upon. Also, it makes me (feel) more accepted, as I could be anyone- any nationality, any religion, any colour;  just about anyone at all!

So does anonymity ensure acceptance? Does it appeal to my safety-obsessed mind? I think so…though I am keeping an open mind for further discussion!