Promises to Keep...

I am one of those people who believe that everything happens for a reason. and i have to admit, sometimes i wish it didn't! But when your belief system accompanies you to the radiologist's office (and all the way into the cold, sterile room with scary looking machines and white gowns!!), it can make you feel very very scared.

As it is, October gives me jitters- so when i prepared to go to the radiologist's for my mammogram; i was not sure why i had to hear a conversation of two women in the car park about someone having cancer, or the week before why did i pick (of all the books) The Emperor of Maladies (and then put it back because i did not want to feel scared or depressed any more than i already was), why did i meet this woman in the waiting area at the hospital who has had multiple surgeries on different parts of her body and has now given up on hospitals and doctors- and was there for a Compression Mammogram and possibly, a core biopsy.........needless to say, as much as i tried to stay upbeat, the belief that everything happens for a reason, filled me with a lot of fear. I asked if i was being prepared for something? I wondered if i was just being cautioned that really bad things do happen to people and it is important to take care of yourself? Or what?

In the moments leading to the machine,  I promised myself that if everything comes out alright with me, I am going to live a fuller life. I promised:

1. I am going to start using cosmetics.

(ridiculous as it may sound- i am pretty anti-chemicals, especially unnecessary chemicals- so I have always tried to stay away from them as much as possible, even at the cost of looking the way i do!)

2. I will buy a bright red Clinique lipstick and use it too.

(Silly it might seem, but the only time i forgave myself for using such a bright red colour was at my wedding! But what the heck...here is my chance again!!)

3. I will spring clean my cupboard- promise, finally.

(I had been meaning to do it for over two months- but it always took a backseat...)

4. I will wear the stilettos i had bought on an impulse.

(I am no fashion model, so at my age, as much as i am still in love with all colours of shoes, i stick to the comfy ones- but this black pair- i just could not resist- it is time to air it now...)

5. I will watch more movies, but preferably if they are off beat or comedies.

6.I will join that Drama group that i have been secretly wishing to join for over a decade...just to know what is it all about, whether i fit in anywhere (i doubt- but still!)...it is all about living one's life, no?

7. And most importantly, i will start devoting a fixed time DAILY to my pet project- a project that has theoretically been in my hands ever since i can remember but that still has to see take a tangible form...

8. Oh yes, and that eating healthy and going for Yoga lessons promise--- how did i forget that?

As i made these promises to myself, i realised, how much can fear make me do. The fear of being trapped in the endless medical treatments- the doctors asking you to keep coming back for follow ups and repeat MRIs even when you know that the whole medical industry is just that now- a money-based industry, the fear of losing the quality of life, the fear of upsetting the life of my loved ones...fear is more powerful than anything else. It made me realise the worth of all the blessings in my life- everything that i had taken for granted, everything that i had had the choice and the option to postpone until the next day, next week, next month, next year...

I am praying and hoping to face my fears, and fulfil the promises i made to myself (a lot more came to my mind as i travelled back home)...if only the mammogram results come out absolutely clean....(keeping my fingers crossed!)

Aiyyaa Part 2- Issued in the interest of General Public

I was asked to go and watch Aiyyaa since i had written about it. So we spent an evening in an almost empty theatre (but then, it was a weekday evening!) watching the movie whose songs (except a stupid 'What to do' song!) have quite grown on me (Dreamum is still playing in my head!).

I would like to henceforth share that it is mildly humorous, poorly directed, and could have done better with a more well written script. The first half is a real drag and the only reason to sit through is Rani Mukerji. She is absolutely fabulous, in fact, a real treat to watch; followed by Prithviraj- whom i was watching for the first time, and who, in spite of his limited role in the movie, makes his presence felt, and is very endearing when he finally speaks Hindi in the end! 

In short, if you:

1.  are a die-hard Rani Mukerji fan, and/or
2. can spend the first half munching your popcorn and slurping your Pepsi (the second half is good), and/ or
3. want to see a TDH South star in a Bollywood setting, and/or
4. want to see a 'light', non-sentimental, non-melodrama movie, and/or
5. don't mind spending AED35 on a movie that had potential to be a good comedy but unfortunately only becomes a mild one (it will surely make you laugh a few times in the second half at least :)

then...go ahead and watch it. 

In all, it is a nice attempt to make a comeback, to show the world that she has what it takes to tackle different genres, and all she needs is a good script and a better director...

Statutory warnings :

Mynah is the most irritating character in the movie- so be patient.

It is nothing like The Dirty Picture (THANK GOD FOR THAT!)

Enjoy!!!!! 

To Share or not to Share?

I have always treasured privacy. Call it a side effect of growing up in a literally close-knit big family, but yes, privacy became a big deal for me. I believed that happiness is to be shared but grief is to be kept under lock and key in your heart alone. i believed that you are supposed to face the life with a straight face and strong heart. And that there was nothing in-between.

When i got into 'human-watching', which is actually just sitting and observing people and then using your wild imagination, creating their own stories in your mind based upon your lessons and judgements and prejudices- so very unfair, but fun!- so when i got into this hobby, the one thought that constantly occupied my mind was "what is going on in his/ her body, mind and life right now?"- i would see and think that about anyone and everyone. 

Then on one of my visits to India, i felt like coming out in the open, not keeping any secrets, sharing and sharing openly. I had had severe pain in the neck for a while and the doctors here had only made me go round in circles. So, i was planning to get a check up done in India. 

It felt so liberating. I did not have to make any excuses if i was offered something and i did not feel like having it (nausea!), i did not have to lie if i was giddy from pain in the neck and just could not visit an aunt for lunch, i did not have to visit people i had no desire to visit because they all knew i had this pain in the neck! It was so very liberating. I was less anxious, less worried, and more assured of the support system i had around me.

It was at that point i realised that why not very long ago, people in India were happier than their western counterparts...because not very long ago, ALL the joys and sorrows of one person were joys and sorrows of an entire clan, although it did backfire sometimes- but it saved people from anxiety and depression; it allowed people to ask for help; it allowed people to worry less about their own brood since they knew they had a support system in place. While i was still admiring our 'joint family system', and admonishing myself for always 'wanting my own space', I realised why i became what i became- annoyingly personal. 

Everyone i met asked me the same question, "So how are you now?"

I would take a moment to think how i was, and then reply.

Next, everyone would tell me their own tested and tried doctors and home remedies and alternative therapies and lots of free advice and stories about someone else who went through the same pains and aches.

"Get out of the house."

"Hire a maid."

"Take up a job. It is all in your mind."

"Start regular exercise."

"Just let go."

"Oh, it's nothing- you are a strong girl...just face it."

Typical advice i got from well meaning friends and family and everyone else. And even until now, every time i back home the first question i am asked is, "So, how are you now?"

I know these are well meant concerns, and i should be thankful for that. But i think there comes a point when you know that no one can help you in real terms when it comes to your own health, and it can become very very annoying to be asked the same question, from every single person of my (touchwood!!) big family back home. On the other hand, if i was in their place, and didn't ask about the health or other concerns like financial situation, court case, or any other such problem of a relative or a friend that i was aware of, it would seem rude and selfish and so uncaring....

So now, sitting alone on this table, typing on the computer, i am thinking shouldn't there be a way of offloading your pains without making a fool of yourself? I do not want to be judged or scolded or advised...first i want to be accepted, my problem acknowledged, and then you give me your advice and support; and certainly not pity. A lot many times, free advice is mistaken as 'support' while the real support might mean you sending a cooked dinner when i am not well, you helping me out when i am stuck in traffic and the kids are waiting for me at the doorstep, you letting me wake you up in the middle of the night when my pain needs a visit to ER and i cannot leave the kids alone....

So, is there a middle path really, of sharing and still keeping yourself sane? Or, is it really better to just face it alone, pop all the pills the doctors give you, grovel in agony but put up a cheerful face to the world and just get on with your life?

Octoberfest!

I have a love-hate relationship with October. The weather is changing, a certain something is in the air that i can never find the right word for (and no, it is NOT called virus!), there is a reason to look forward to gorgeous winters over the next 3-4 months, the municipality has already planted marigolds and very soon Dubai will be adorned with colourful petunias and bright yellow auspicious smelling marigolds....I love it all.

And then there is the pink ribbon in October- a reminder of fixing my annual mammogram appointment, my efforts to push it under the carpet by thanking God when the lady at the hospital tells me that the next appointment is only available after 14 days, living in continuous fear of discovering 'something' sinister, and then of course the inevitable bouts of flu around the house- thanks to the changing weather. This is the part i hate.

Don't get me wrong. Active screening and awareness about breast cancer is a great thing...but the fear kills me straight, even without having to listen to the doctor's findings. 

So, it is October again. We have had one course if flu in September through the house, my mammogram is scheduled and I am so very scared about that. 

I have decided that this time if the doctor calls me in again and while filling my history asks me if i smoke or drink, i will take that as a 'sign' and start doing both, or one...coz she will only call me if she has a reason to believe that my vegetarian diet and a teetotaller lifestyle has not helped my worst fears to vanish in thin air....then finally; i will have a valid reason to argue (with myself) that life is too short to be spent picking and choosing what to eat or drink or wear or believe in....life is too short to hate or love a month in the calendar, then finally, may be i will forgive October and move on to November....

 

Aiyyaa! That's a lot of Hard Work!!

When i saw it first, I thought it was a very desperate attempt to regain a foothold in the lost kingdom. Yes, Dreamum Wakepmum sounded strange, and looked vulgar and cheap. Over the days, though the music kind of grew on me, i could only pity Rani for having to bow down to the Dirty Picture (which, for the record, was the worst movie i have ever seen) level. 

And then, i saw Agaa Bai...and there was only one word that came up in my mind- Respect. Her belly dancing (I have never seen her doing this before, so assuming it is her first) is fantastic- especially the last bit where she actually seems to vibrate her whole body to the drumbeat. Definitely better than the other belly dancing queens (all of whom are definitely younger, BTW)- Katrina Kaif, Kareena Kapoor, Gauhar Khan...

Respect. Because she is fighting to the core- accepting what rocks at the Box Office, and working hard to get noticed again.

And then it occurred to me... isn't it so universal-this insecurity, this trying to regain a lost kingdom, this frustration at having to compete with the new kids on the block while you thought you had so much experience that was worth much much more than their skills combined together?

It is everywhere.

The mother-in-law feels threatened by the daughter-in-law, the older senior executives constantly feel threatened by the new, fresher, more energetic, up-to-the-challenges younger executives, the aging parents feel threatened that their rules might not run the household anymore, the parents of teenagers feel they can only teach their growing up kids and not learn anything from them in return.....and that all leads to stress, bickering, frustration  fights, depression and what not!

Youth is such a powerful force. It allows you to take that leap, jump from that roof, dive into that sea, fly from that cliff...and so, as and when it slips by, we do not even notice it because we are so busy living it. And that is probably a good thing. But what could be a better thing is that we accept that change is inevitable- we will always have someone younger, stronger, prettier, more positive, go-getter ready to jump in and take our place on the ladder.  But that's nothing to be sad about especially when you acknowledge that even if you tried your hardest, you couldn't hold your youth in your fist, or an airtight jar, or even a vault. Look at the brighter side that we are now allowed to move onto something new, something where we can use our experience and build more of it, even though everyone is not lucky enough to have all those opportunities at constantly inventing and bettering ourselves.

And this acceptance of truth is probably harder than anything else. And hence, the constant fight and effort for scaling those dizzying heights of success, again and again...

Hence, Respect to Rani Mukherjee, for having not given up just yet, for trying her hardest to regain her title, for having the heart to compete with the newer generation, for not letting her frustration shadow her work; even though i personally believe there is a time for a graceful next move- (like a resignation before you are kicked out; unless of course your company has a wonderful 'kick out' package!).

After all, trying to make today better than yesterday, and  tomorrow even better than today  is everyone's right. Isn't it?